I would rather not go into detail about the recent events that have taken place in my life but I will say that they have triggered an overwhelming amount of disappointment and have left me very confused as to the direction my life is going. I am the type of person who is constantly deep in thought and I have the worst habit of getting lost in my head and often times putting myself into unnecessary panic by dwelling on whatever topic come to mind. I do this with everything; work, friends, relationships, family, the future, problems that don’t even exist but I feel I should be prepared for them. (Refer to the URL if you are confused as to why I would do such a thing). It could be the lack of sleep, the unprecedented amount of stress I have been under or maybe I have just slipped into some state of euphoric denial however for the last few days I have had this weird feeling of contentment.
Now this doesn’t have to mean anything to anyone and I’m sure to a lot of people this is more or less late news but for the first time in my life I have felt that maybe it isn’t terrible for me to not know what is going to happen next. I have always found comfort in having a plan, in being prepared but most of all I have always feared the unknown. It never occurred to me (though people have said it many times) how much I have limited myself by always having a plan and refusing to steer away from it, or being prepared for by finding a way to control a situation or that maybe my fear of the unknown roots from my fear of being unable to control the outcome. My job, my relationship, my future- I can’t convince myself of a worst case scenario when I don’t know even know what direction it is going in. I learn from my mistakes but I have made a terrible habit of assuming that the outcome will always be the same. I never just let things be; I always dig deeper, try harder and push further than is at all necessary. Who knows if this is a permanent mindset, I mean being a “realist” has always fit me quite well but I am not ready to give up this oddly comforting and unfamiliar feeling of optimism.
It goes without saying that my positive attitudes in the past have been during a manic-like state but I assure you that I am still fully medicated. The truth is I’m excited. I’m excited that I haven’t felt that sense of regret, and that my unwillingness to give up isn’t driven by refusal to fail but rather my desire to pursue happiness. I am not this person. I am a control freak with a bad case of agoraphobia that is too afraid to fight for what I want. I FOUGHT for nearly a decade for my life. I wanted to change the way people saw those with mental illness but it’s all superficial. I let it control me, still to this day, and that is pretty stupid. So even if it is momentary optimism, it is more than I have ever experienced. So this is when you (yes you) tell me good luck, tell me to put my cigarette out, go make a move, don’t be afraid to fail and have fun?… idk that last one might be pushing it but we will see